Applause at funerals

In the world we occupy, change tends to come slowly. In the past, mourners almost never applauded during a funeral service. Now when a member of the family or a close friend delivers a particularly moving tribute or eulogy, people often instinctively begin to clap. I sometimes notice others hesitate, questioning whether such a response is appropriate in the context of a funeral. I remember there was some fuss about applause during the funeral service of Diana, Princess of Wales.

For some, applause may feel surprising, as the services we conduct are, in part, derived from religious funeral traditions, where applause is not customary. While this is not universally the case, it was certainly my experience growing up within the Church of England.

Where appropriate, I am very much in favour of applause. Funeral services are emotionally charged occasions, and collective applause can provide a powerful moment of release. As a celebrant, I would never initiate applause, but I am always happy to join in.

Funeral service outline

Here is a service outline which might be of help to families who are not sure what to include.

Entry Music
A song or piece of music meaningful to the deceased, played as people enter the chapel.

Welcome
A warm greeting to everyone present, with words of comfort and acknowledgement of grief. If appropriate, a short reflection on the life being remembered.

Eulogy
A tribute to the person’s life, character, and achievements, often including personal stories. This can be delivered by a family member, friend, or celebrant. More than one tribute can be included.

Readings and Poems
A reading, poem, or passage that was meaningful to the deceased or captures their spirit. Families may choose their own, or select from suggestions provided.

Hymns and Prayers
If requested, hymns and prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer may be included.

Reflection
A quiet moment for personal reflection, often with music or a slideshow of photos.

Committal
The final words of farewell, sometimes accompanied by a prayer or reading.

Closing Words
Practical details, such as donation requests or an invitation to a reception.

Poetry and readings at a funeral

Charles Preen

Poems by Christina Rossetti, particularly ‘Let me go’ and ‘Remember’ are popular choices at many funerals. Mary Frye’s ‘Do not stand at my grave and weep’ is another favourite.

I’m always on the hunt for less well-known verse that might strike a chord.

I recently came across a short poem by Joyce Grenfell which I think is wonderful. It contains a message about finding ways to cope with grief after losing a loved one.

You’ve just walked on ahead of me

And I’ve got to understand
You must release the ones you love
And let go of their hand.

I try and cope the best I can
But I’m missing you so much
If I could only see you
And once more feel your touch.

Yes, you’ve just walked on ahead of me
Don’t worry I’ll be fine
But now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine. 

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Some may think that Pardon Me for Not Getting Up by Kelly Roper would not be appropriate at a funeral but people have very different tastes and I’ve used it with great success and laughter on more than one occasion.

Oh dear, if you’re reading this right now,
I must have given up the ghost.
I hope you can forgive me for being
Such a stiff and unwelcoming host.

Just talk amongst yourself my friends,
And share a toast or two.
For I am sure you will remember well
How I loved to drink with you.

Don’t worry about mourning me,
I was never easy to offend.
Feel free to share a story at my expense
And we’ll have a good laugh at the end.

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I recently read J.L. Carr’s novel ‘A month in the country’ which contains a heartfelt passage that might well make for an excellent reading.

‘Ah, those days … for many years afterwards their happiness haunted me. Sometimes, listening to music, I drift back and nothing has changed. The long end of summer. Day after day of warm weather, voices calling as night came on and lighted windows pricked the darkness and, at daybreak, the murmur of corn and the warm smell of fields ripe for harvest. And being young.

If I’d stayed there, would I always have been happy? No, I suppose not. People move away, grow older, die and the bright belief that there will be another marvellous thing around each corner fades. It is now or never; we must snatch at happiness as it flies.’

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At the end of a service I’m very fond of using this short poem by Robert Burns.

Epitaph for a Friend

An honest man here lies at rest,
The friend of man, the friend of truth,
The friend of age, the guide of youth;
Few hearts like his, with virtue warm’d,
Few heads with knowledge so inform’d;
If there’s another world, he lives in bliss;
If there is none, he made the best of this.

Finding the right words to use at a funeral service is part of my job and I’m constantly looking for new ways to help a family say goodbye.

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Celebrating Shane MacGowan

Charles Preen

Every funeral will have a solemn or moving moment. Some will be overtaken by grief and mourning, but increasingly funerals are undergoing a change. A prime example is that of Pogues’ frontman Shane MacGowan.

No one does death like the Irish, so they say, and Shane’s passing was marked by something resembling a gig more than a traditional funeral mass. It featured a roaring version of Shane’s Fairytale of New York sung by Irish singers Glen Hansard and Lisa O'Neill. Not everyone was happy. The Catholic Herald asked the question: Was Irish bard Shane McGowan let down by his own funeral Mass and by his Church?

The problem for traditional Catholics may be that his funeral resembled a wake rather than a funeral service. Wakes usually takes place after a funeral in a bar, pub, or other public space. Particularly in Ireland, fiddles and drums will appear and the singing will start, just not usually at the church.

For those with little religious affiliation this will seem a moot point, but people now often look at funerals as celebrations of life rather than harrowing ceremonies to be endured.

If someone has lived to a good age, had a good life, and departed with family around them, then a celebration of a life well-lived may be more appropriate. Of course, those close to the deceased will be sad but they may well want to provide a final service that evokes joy and gratitude rather than sorrow.

Everybody should be encouraged to create a service that suits the departed and those who are left behind. There may be wrong ways to run a funeral but there is certainly no right or agreed way to do so. Let joy be unconfined or not if that’s inappropriate. Remember, it’s up to you.

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